I will not waste chalk.

I will not skateboard in the halls.

I will not burp in class.

I will not instigate revolution.

I will not draw naked ladies in class.

I did not see Elvis.

I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".

Garlic gum is not funny.

They are laughing at me, not with me.

I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.

I will not encourage others to fly.

I will not fake my way through life.

Tar is not a plaything.

I will not Xerox my butt.

It's potato, not potatoe.

I will not trade pants with others.

I am not a 32 year old woman.

I will not do that thing with my tongue.

I will not drive the principal's car.

I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.

I will not sell school property.

I will not cut corners.

I will not get very far with this attitude.

I will not make flatulent noises in class.

I will not belch the national anthem.

I will not sell land in Florida.

I will not sell school property.

I will not grease the monkey bars.

I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.

I will not do anything bad ever again.

I will not show off.

I will not sleep through my education.

I am not a dentist.

Spitwads are not free speech.

Nobody likes sun burn slappers.

High explosives and school don't mix.

"I will not bribe Principal Skinner".

I will not squeak chalk.

I will finish what I sta

"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.

I will not fake rabies.

Underwear should be worn on the inside.

The Christmas Pageant does not stink.

I will not torment the emotionally frail.

I will not carve gods.

I will not spank others.

I will not aim for the head.

I will not barf unless I'm sick.

I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.

I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.

I will not conduct my own fire drills.

Funny noises are not funny.

I will not spin the turtle.

I will not snap bras.

I will not fake seizures.

This punishment is not boring and pointless.

My name is not "Dr. Death".

I will not defame New Orleans.

I will not prescribe medication.

I will not bury the new kid.

I will try to raise a better child.

I will not teach others to fly.

I will not bring sheep to class.

A burp is not an answer.

Teacher is not a leper.

Coffee is not for kids.

I will not eat things for money.

I will not yell "She's dead" during roll call.

The principal's toupée is not a frisbee.

I will not call the principal "spud head".

Goldfish don't bounce.

Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.

No one is interested in my underpants.

I will not sell miracle cures.

I will return the seeing-eye dog.

I do not have diplomatic immunity.

I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

I will never win an Emmy.

The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.

I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.

I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.

I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.

I am not delightfully saucy.

Organ transplants are best left to the professionals.

The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.

There are plenty of businesses like show business.

I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball.

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

Beans are neither fruit nor musical.

No one is interested in my underpants.

I will not use abbrev.

I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.

I will not send lard through the mail.

I will not dissect things unless instructed.

I will not whittle hall passes out of soap.

My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.

Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough.

Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the principal.

"Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice.

Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does.

Next time it could be me on the scaffolding.

I will not hang donuts on my person.

I will remember to take my medication.

I will not strut around like I own the place.

The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far.

I do not have power of attorney over first graders.

Nerve gas is not a toy.

I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface.

The First Amendment does not cover burping.

This is not a clue... or is it?

I will not complain about the solution when I hear it.

"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism.

No one wants to hear from my armpits.

I am not a lean mean spitting machine.

The boys' room is not a water park.

Indian burns are not our cultural heritage.

Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things.

I will only do this once a year.

I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist.

I am not certified to remove asbestos.

I did not learn everything I need to know from kindergarten.

I am not my long-lost twin.

The truth is not out there.

I am not licensed to do anything.

I will not hide the teacher's Prozac.

A fire drill does not demand a fire.

I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten.

I no longer want my MTV.

Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story.

I did not invent Irish dancing.

I will not tease Fatty.

There was no Roman god named "Fartacus".

Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related.

Shooting paintballs is not an art form.

Pain is not the cleanser.

Silly string is not a nasal spray.

I was told not to do this.

My butt does not deserve a website.

I will not demand what I'm worth.

I will not mess with the opening credits.

I am not the new Dalai Lama.

I was not the inspiration for "Kramer."

I will not file frivolous lawsuits.

The Simpsons Halloween Special IX

"butt.com" is not my e-mail address.

No one cares what my definition of "is" is.

I will not scream for ice cream.

I am not a licensed hairstylist.

"The President did it" is not an excuse.

My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld.

Sherri does not "got back".

I will not do "the dirty bird."

No one wants to hear about my sciatica.

Hillbillies are people too.

Grammar is not a time of waste.

I do not have diplomatic immunity.

It does not suck to be you.

I cannot absolve sins.

A trained ape could not teach gym.

Loose teeth don't need my help.

I have neither been there nor done that.

No one wants to hear from my armpits.

I'm so very tired.

Fridays are not "pants optional".

Pork is not a verb.

I am not the last Don.

I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize.

I won't not use no double negatives.

Indian burns are not our cultural heritage.

I can't see dead people.

I will not sell my kidney on eBay.

I will not do math in class.

I will not create art from dung.

I will stop phoning it in.

Class clown is not a paid position.

Substitute teachers are not scabs.

My suspension was not "mutual".

A belch is not an oral report.

Dodgeball stops at the gym door.

Non-flammable is not a challenge.

I was not touched "there" by an angel.

I am not here on a fartball scholarship.

I will not dance on anyone's grave.

I cannot hire a substitute student.

I will not obey the voices in my head.

I will not plant subliminAL messaGOREs.

I will not surprise the incontinent.

I am not the acting president.

I was not the sixth Beatle.

I will only provide a urine sample when asked.

The nurse is not dealing.

Science class should not end in tragedy.

I ain't not a dorkus.

Network TV is not dead.

I will not "let the dogs out".

I will not hide the teacher's medication.

I will not publish the principal's credit report.

The hamster did not have a "full life".

I will not buy a presidential pardon.

"Temptation Island" was not a sleazy piece of crap.

I will not scare the vice president.

I will not flush evidence.

Fire is not the cleanser.

Genetics is not an excuse.

Today is not Mothra's Day.

I should not be twenty-one by now.

Nobody reads these anymore.

A burp in a jar is not a science project.

Fun does not have a size.

I am not Charlie Brown on acid.

I do not have a cereal named after me.

I will not bite the hand that feeds me Butterfingers.

The Giving Tree is not a chump.

Making Milhouse cry is not a science project.

Vampire is not a career choice.

I will never lie about being cancelled again.

Fish do not like coffee.

Milhouse did not test cootie positive.

This school does not need a "regime change".


is not a contraceptive.

I will not

My pen is not a booger launcher.

Sandwiches should not contain sand.

Over forty & single is not funny.

I will not speculate on how hot my teacher used to be.

Poking a dead raccoon is not research.

Beer in a milk carton is not milk.

A booger is not a bookmark.

Does any kid still do this anymore?

I am not smarter than the president.


was not dumped—it was mutual.

I will not laminate dog doo.

I will not eat things for money

I will not flip the classroom upside down.

I will not leak the plot of the movie.

Je ne parle pas français.

Have a great summer, everyone.

A baby beat me up.

We are not all naked under our clothes.

Frankincense is not a monster.

So long suckers.

Global warming did not eat my homework.

I will not look up what teacher makes.

Pearls are not oyster barf.

I will not illegally download this movie.

I will not wait 20 years to make another movie.

The Wall Street Journal is better than ever.

I am not an FDIC-insured bank.

There is no such thing as an iPoddy.

The Pilgrims were not illegal aliens.

The capital of Montana is not "Hannah".


did not pay too much for her condo.

The art teacher is fat, not pregnant.

A person's a person, no matter how Ralph.

This punishment is not medieval.

Teacher's diet is working.

There is no such month as Rocktober.

I did not see my teacher siphoning gas.

Prosperity is just around the corner.

I will not bring the chalkboard home.


is not mad his birthday is on Christmas.

I will not use permanent ink on the chalkboard.

HDTV is worth every cent.

"March Madness" is not an excuse for missing school.

I will not have fun with educational toys.

Four leaf clovers are not mutant freaks.

My piggy bank is not entitled to TARP funds.

I will not mock teacher's outdated cell phone.

I will not put hot sauce in the CPR dummy.

It's 'Facebook', not 'Assbook'.

The class hamster isn't just sleeping.

Chalkboarding is not torture.

I am not allergic to long division.

I do not have the hots for my mom.

Halloween does not kick Thanksgiving's ass.

Teachers' unions are not ruining this country.

The world may end in 2012, but this show won't.

World War II could not beat up World War I.

Hot dogs are not bookmarks.

This counts as gym and art class.

Original airing: South Park, we'd stand beside you if we weren't so scared.

Online version: Je ne suis pas français (I am not French)

Eating my vegetables is not a Mother's Day present.

Batman is not 'nothing' without his utility belt.

End of "Lost": It was all the dog's dream. Watch us.

When I slept in class, it was not to help Leo DiCaprio.

I did not see teacher applying for welfare.

I must not write all over the walls.

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving is as good as A Charlie Brown Christmas.

Candy canes are not elf bones.

January is not Bart History Month.

Prince is not the son of Martin Luther King.

I will not make fun of Cupid's dink.

I'm not here on a Spitball scholar.

"Daylight Savings” is not a failed bank.

I will not ridicule teacher's Final Four bracket.

I do not deserve a Mother's Day gift for being "one badass mother".

Guinea pigs should not be used as "Guinea Pigs".

It's Kristen Schaal, not Kristen Schall.

It's not too early to speculate about the 2016 election.

It's November 6th -- How come we're not airing a Halloween show?

"Caucus" is not a dirty word.

Cafeteria trays are not toboggans.

Tintin did not suck suck.

We do need no education.

There's no proven link between raisins and boogers.

I will not replace a candy heart with a frog's heart.

Bart's earned a day off.

I *Heart* the breakdown of society.

The true location of Springfield is in any state but yours.

Call your mother during the commercials.

I will not wear white after Labor Day.

I will not concede the election till Karl Rove gives me permission.

I want to secede but don't know which state I'm in.

20 more shoplifting days till Christmas.

The teacher did not get fat during the holidays.

I will obey Oscar campaign rules from now on.

I wasn't nominated for "Best Spoken Swear Word".

I will not tweet as the principal's toilet.

I'm sorry I broke the blackboard.

Jesus' last words were not 'TGIF'.

25 years and they can't come up with a new punishment.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

We'll really miss you, Mrs. K.

My school schedule does not include a bye week.

During the episode: I will not drop a stitch

Rocktober is not followed by Blowvember.

I will stop asking when Santa goes to the bathroom.

I will not call my teacher 'Prancer' and 'Vixen'.

Judas Priest is not 'death metal'.

If you haven't broken your Christmas presents yet, you're not trying.

My dad's already drunk for St. Patrick's.

April showers do not bring Matt Lauers.

You can't play April Fools jokes on April 27th.

Spoiler Alert: Unfortunately, my dad doesn't die.

Reindeer meat does not taste like chicken.

Snowmen don't have carrot penises.

Pixel art is not real art.

I will not pay my sister to do my punishment.

I will not

I will not fight the future.

Hershey Kisses do not drop from Cupid's butt.

If Villanova doesn't win we lose everything.

Never lose a bet to Bart Simpson.

Dad swears he'll get his taxes in soon.

Dirty clothes are not a Mother's day gift.

Milhouse does not live below the puberty line.

This arm needs Tommy John surgery.

I will stop using 50% of my NFL lead-in.

The first episode of the second 600.

Being right sucks.

I will watch all 600 episodes without sleeping.

If we're so good at predicting, how come my dad bet on Atlanta?

We're the only house where the Christmas tree is still up.

Studying is not 'appropriating nerd culture'.

Everybody's a winner.

I did nothing wrong this week.

I just wrote one and I'm already tired.

Thank you for 28 great years...Taylor Swift.

It's unfair to judge a president on his first 300 days.

Hooligan is not a profession.

I will not

I will not ask my guidance counselor why he couldn't get a better job.

We do not live in our own pee.

Snow angels are not frozen hobos.

Strangling is not an effective parenting tool.

This is the last episode.

April Fool.

April showers do not date the President.

I will not bet with Bart on the Final Four.

In-episode (on the street)

I will not order pregnant rats

My pre-Christmas behavior helps out the coal industry

The fat man who works one night a year is my dad

My new year's resolution was to quit school

Chili fries do not go in like a lamb and out like a lion

I am not a grandmother

I will not write "audit please" on Homer's tax return.

"Haw Haw!"

I will not shirk my responsibilities.

Daylight savings isn't something I can spend

Idle hands are the Devil's tools" with two hands